Have you ever been in a 100% conflict-free relationship? Deal With Relationships Probably not. Conflict in a relationship is natural and even serves a purpose. Perhaps, as you read these words, you are thinking to yourself, “Conflict is pointless and harmful.” This is not entirely true! In DilMil.co this post, I will show you a new perspective on conflict.
Are quarrels in a relationship necessary?
The short answer is yes! Why? Because the goal of constructive conflict is not to win or convince the other person that you are right. Mutual understanding is the healthiest and most productive goal of all conflicts . By creating a compromise, we open ourselves to understanding the needs of the other party, its limits of flexibility.
First Quarrel in a Relationship – Is There Anything to Worry About?
John Gottman’s research since the 1980s has shown that most relationship conflicts – around 69% – cannot be resolved! Every relationship has a number of problems because each person is unique and different from the others, and a set of problems will exist no matter who our partner or our partner is. We occasionally hear of couples getting divorced because of their problems and then re-joining only to discover that they have similar problems in their new relationship.
Quarrels in a Relationship – Why Do We Fight?
Most of the conflicts we experience in a relationship fall into one of two groups: ongoing problems (they will never be resolved) and problems that can be resolved.
- Problems that can be solved: These are situational problems, arguments about housework, division of responsibilities, not about differences in values or temperament. Conflict is topic and solutions can be sustained.
- Constant Problems: These are problems that focus on fundamental differences related to personality, on preferences related to lifestyle, on values. These can be Deal With Relationships differences in punctuality, organization, amount of time alone or together, differences in how the holidays are celebrated, etc. Recognizing what a constant problem is leads to DilMil acceptance and appreciation of how each of you is different.
Of course, there are conflicts that can lead to a breakup, e.g. one wants children and the other doesn’t. These are differences in the basic conditions of being together, which are not so much difficult to resolve, but often make it impossible to be together.
In what areas do fundamental differences emerge that lead to constant problems?
There are several of them. Below I will discuss the ones we experience most often.
Quarrels about money
Financial quarrels – whether they are earning money, spending it or managing it (or not) – are conflicting topics for many couples. However, it is worth remembering that money is often only a superficial subject of dispute. Quarrels about money often involve, at a deeper level, self-esteem, Deal With Relationships a sense of security, and the desire to be appreciated. In the case of money, it is also easy to make a mistake, equating the amount of money with the deserving of love or recognition.
Quarrel about parents
Family quarrels concern many areas – from commenting on the behavior of your in-laws ( your mother drives me crazy! ) To conflicts with parents who treat your partner badly ( Mom, why do you treat Bartek so badly ?! ). Managing these conflicts requires assertiveness, setting boundaries, and developing mutual loyalty, bonding and love. Conflicts in this area are most often problems in the area of one’s own individualism and setting boundaries for the environment.
A quarrel in a relationship over a child
Conflicts regarding children, especially having children, are of a slightly different nature and can be a reason to break up. If you think that, for example, after getting married, you will make your partner change your mind on this matter, you may expose yourself to a catastrophe. The discussion of whether you want to have children is important, as is the discussion of how many children you envision in your ideal family scenario.
How to Deal With Relationships – How Can I Deal With Them?
Even though almost all of us want their relationship to have as few conflicts as possible. In fact, especially with strong emotions. We forget to seek understanding and focus on proving our point. We defend ourselves, criticize, show contempt and cut off, and this is the shortest path to Deal With Relationships a permanent distance.
Research (by John Gottman) shows that couples who are truly happy in their marriage or relationship deal with conflict in a gentle, positive way. What distinguishes them in the first place is the real opening to understanding the partner’s perspective. This does not mean avoiding negative emotions. Negative emotions are important. Although it is stressful to hear about your partner’s negative feelings, successful relationships live up to the motto: “When you suffer, I want to hear you, I don’t know if I will understand it, but I want to know your perspective.”
Expressing your negative emotions in a way that allows you to listen without feeling attacked is one of the main goals of happy couples.
What else distinguishes happy relationships? Accepting that nobody is really right. In the conflict of partners there is no objective reality, there are only two subjective ones.
Accepting a different view, a different personality is crucial. Before asking your partner to change anything, make sure that your partner feels heard, respected and not criticized or degraded.
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Summary
A conflict may bring you closer if you decide to treat. It as a way to get to know your partner better. Through every quarrel – when you learn to communicate. That you love and accept the other side. Even when you deeply disagree with them – your relationship and marriage may not only survive, but also flourish.
